Well Hello! Welcome to the blog…or back to the blog if you read my other post.
So…growth unlocked. I’ve seen this topic floating around online and i want to contribute to the commentary. This is going to be a slightly long one…
So let’s dive in.
The first thought that comes to mind when I think of the term ‘growth unlocked’ is: “Get up at 5 am”. Or “here comes the ‘workout 3x a week”. Or even “you need to cut out the toxic people in your life!”
We know good and damn well that if exercising, getting up early and grabbing the scissors to problematic relationships were enough to make us grow as a person, then it wouldn’t be the hot topic that it is. We wouldn’t keep searching and scrolling Pinterest or YouTube trying to find yet more motivation to change.
I’m going to take a different approach.
What if I were to tell you that YOU are the toxic person that someone needs to cut out of their life?
What if I said that waking up at 5am will change nothing in your life because by 3pm, you will be crossing someones boundaries in a pursuit to get your own way.
What if I said working out 3x a week will change nothing if you continue to binge eat in secret? What then?
See, a lot of these self-help tips have a way of diverting the weight of growth, diverting the weight of change onto a tick-the-box action. I need someone to explain to me how waking up at 5am will help with someone in debt? If they wake up and STILL do not seek employment?!
YOU are YOUR problem!
What I’ve learned about growth is that it requires a lot, and I mean LOT of introspection. You need to get curious about yourself. Self reflection and curiosity are going to be key in a growth journey that actually generates results. Have you ever thought – truly thought- about why you’re always late to work? Or jealous of others? Have you ever wondered why you lie so much? Why you can succeed in the workplace yet struggle to maintain personal relationships?
If you dare to wonder, the answer might surprise you.
The task here is to get curious about the things you want to improve on, and take an objective view of them. Taking an objective view invites you to get curious about your flaws, rather than being harsh and self-critical. I do warn you: it’s highly likely that your curiosity will lead you to disappointing findings. In fact, it’s guaranteed.
And that’s okay. It’s okay to feel a little deflated after looking inside yourself. It’s hard to accept that you are not perfect, or worse still: that you are majorly flawed. Yikes!
I feel you. I see you. I really do.
And I encourage you to not beat yourself up about it. Waste of time and energy. So what? You’re a little bit shit…
Join the club.
So what now?, You ask?
Well…i say accept it. You can’t improve on anything if you can’t accept that there is room for improvement. Isn’t there a saying: the first step to beating your addiction is to accept that you are an addict? Something like that. YOU, and you alone, carry the burden of growth. You are YOUR own problem…
But there is hope: YOU are also the solution.
See, a lot of us have unfortunately grown up in highly critical environments. Environments that showed us that accountability meant weakness. Maybe your caregivers were highly critical of you, or themselves even. Maybe you have taken on habits and behaviours for no other reason but that’s what you were exposed to.
I wholeheartedly understand the shame and pain that can bring.
But somewhere in all of that…there is agency. The fact that you are reading this, even thinking about growth should give you courage. You have agency. You are no longer going to allow, mistakes, shame or regrets to stop you from progressing in your life. Do not allow shame to keep you stuck.
Now is the time to put in the effort. Effort with direction. Identify exactly what it is within yourself that you would like to grow. Because our progress is determined by our destination, and our proximity to that destination.
I’m going to use myself as an example: There was a time in my life when I didn’t have a lot of friends. There were people that I spoke to here and there, but I certainly was not making any meaningful attempts to engage or show much interest in pursuing a friendship. And guess what, those people moved on! They disappeared. Should I have thought, “well they clearly never wanted to be friends anyway, forget them”
NO! No…
The truth was that I desperately wanted to make friends. That was the destination. So much so that I would overthink everything and end up saying nothing. Meaning that outwardly, I was hard to get to know! And more poignantly, I was the problem!
Did that mean that I was this awful person? No! But it did mean that I needed to change my unproductive and self-centred approach to friendships. Simple as that. We are not always the victim and it serves no-one -least of all yourself- to see yourself so. Oftentimes we have a hand in our own suffering. But the ability to grow and move towards our goal is the solution- make no mistake about that. Identifying the problem and taking positive steps towards improvement is where growth happens. What did that look like for me?
I started reaching out more, made connections with new people. Put myself out there – even if i felt silly.
That effort overtime resulted in new and renewed friendships.
This is one relatively minor example. But hopefully, it is an example of being able to stare our flaws in the face and be bold enough to take positive action. To redirect, change course. Because ultimately, growth is going to be uncomfortable. I’m not sure it’s supposed to be. It’s not always going to feel good. But that doesn’t mean that it isn’t necessary.
When something gnaws at your spirit like a dog with a bone oftentimes the best thing to do is take action towards your desired outcome. Remember that destination I was telling you about?
Aligning yourself with who or what you what to be isn’t found in stillness or waiting around. It’s found by moving forward in the right direction. It should also be noted, that growth is not linear. You will regress at times, sure. But you can also get back up and continue to grow.
Change, growth and the ability to pivot when necessary is what has carried humanity from the beginning to this very day. Humans are living beings; we were made to grow. The species that were unable to adapt to change died out. Gone. And what you are wanting to grow within yourself is your birthright. Take comfort in that.
Now, I can’t discuss growth without discussing boundaries. This might seem slightly odd when discussing growth because growth implies freedom and flexibility, right? Well yes and no. Boundaries are crucial to your growth because boundaries exist as protective measures.
Growth and personal development require you to determine your temptations and triggers. Does hanging around with certain people tempt you to use drugs? Does discussing certain topics with your family trigger you into being argumentative and neurotic? A depressed mess for days? Does scrolling through Instagram models accounts make you spend money you don’t have? Having distractions or temptations does not make you weak or nullify your desire to grow. Rather, they serve as signposts that a boundary is needed.
If you can’t completely cut out those toxic friends – maybe you work with them or whatever – start placing distance. Tell them you won’t be going for that smoke break at lunchtime with them. Mute or unfollow those accounts. Tell your family “you know what, I don’t feel like getting into all that today. Let’s talk about something else”. I know at times it seems like you can’t set boundaries with people who are in your life; but you can.
Adults inform, children explain.
No is a full sentence.
Having boundaries does not make you a bitch, excuse my Mandarin, it makes you human. Boundaries enable you to protect relationships with the people in your life. Boundaries enable you to protect yourself. They are your right. People don’t need to agree with them, or like them for you to have them. Start protecting your space…TODAY.
Well folks, that’s all I have time for today. There is so much i could say on the topic of growth, and will definitely do a part 2 at some point. This blog is not fanciful. But it is real.
For now I just want to leave you with this: sometimes our past selves leave scars or a trail of evidence. But that’s life. That’s growth…
Part 2 coming soon…
The Elusive Housewife 