Absolutely not, ha.
A year ago i had my third and final baby…(i think?). So now I’m a mother of 3, a housewife and steward of our 6 bedroom house, our life and pretty much the threads of our lives.
I chose all of this by the way, none of it was by happenstance. I always wanted to be a stay-at-home-mum. i always wanted a husband and dogs and all the security that comes with it. Before i began staying home, i thought i wanted to be a teacher.
Yeah, I hated that. So I followed my lifelong dream of being a housewife. That was 6 and a bit years ago…
I thought a year after completing our family i would be walking through the meadows- literally and figuratively- frolicking, and relishing the confidence that accompanies experience. Especially since I’m aware of just how much skill is required to be a good mum. And its something I’m proud of.
But the reality is…
My life is very different than how i imagined it.
I’m feeling disenchanted with motherhood right now. That might be because my kids are admittedly at an incredibly difficult stage. The toddler stage is not for the faint hearted, never mind having 2 of them. And another child who gets kicks out of asking the most random of questions.
So i know this stage is hardly supposed to be likeable.
But after years of sifting through my traumas and coming to peace (relatively) with the past, i find myself on yet another self discovery journey…
Hello neurodiversity!
And honestly, it makes me sick. I cant take anymore counselling, i can’t take anymore self reflection. I’ve had enough.
Somehow i’ve allowed my fears and traumas to dictate much of my decisions in life.
And i no longer want to do that.
I no longer want to need to safe. We all need safety, but i’m sick of really needing it.
I want to use my skills, passions and talents to improve the lives of others. I want to connect with people. With myself. I want to have more control over my future.
Of course i love my kids. But i want my kids to see me fulfilled. Not a martyr. I want them to see me gain confidence in my own ability to provide for myself, and them. To see me contribute financially because i have skills that i profit from.
I don’t want them to be scared. Not like I’ve been.
It’s a blessing to have married a committed family man, who enjoys providing for his family.
But i don’t want to be a housewife because I’m scared to take on the world.
I’m crazy asf, and i think most things I want for myself are achievable.
So no, my life doesn’t look how i thought.
I thought i reached my peak, my purpose.
But now I know that life continues. And after we reach our goals we set new ones. And thats okay. Life isn’t about arrival or destination.
We’re always arriving, becoming and evolving.
I don’t want to be scared of not being scared.
Whatever it is, I’m going to fucking do it…
The Elusive Housewife 