The Elusive Housewife

Musings, reflections and lessons from a Housewife

Category: growth

  • 4 REASONS YOU HATE YOUR LIFE

    At some point in life where you realise, “I hate my life!” Well if you’ve had this moment in recent times, or felt like this for a long time then you are in the right place!

    Let’s dive in…

    1. You’re a hater

    A hater leads with their dislike of things. You focus on what you don’t like. You’re the type of person who sees the ugly, before the beautiful. Generous with harsh commentary, yet frugal with compliments. Maybe you’re an online troll? The type of person who comments on another girls photo, and just haaaaasss to say “but her lipstick looks cheap”, “I hate the colour of her laces, they should have been black”. Someone posts a picture of the progress of their garden; ” I can’t believe they posted that without moving the bins out of the way”. Your friend starts a business, “I can’t believe you do all that and you only have 3 customers. If it were me, i would just quit!”

    If you do or say things of this nature then YOU ARE A HATER! Failing to see the beauty in everyday life can be a symptom of depression, yes. But it is also a reflection of your heart posture. You are giving your focus to what is lacking, rather than what is plentiful. While other people are busy creating the life they want to live, you are sitting on the sidelines passing judgements and unnecessary commentary.

    Hating

    The solution is to turn your attention to what YOU want out of life and take steps to CREATE that life. Do you want a life dictated by happenstance or a life curated by you, for you. You are consuming too much and creating very little. Too much news, social media, television and information. And in the end, your over-consumption leads to energy depletion. You’re using all your energy processing alllll this information, and commenting sh*t on alllll the posts and harbouring alllll this resentment…leaving you little time for your own life. Its time to get a grip.

    If you seeing someone doing well and you have to tell yourself, “She only posts the good parts of her life, i bet she’s dealing with some awful stuff like the rest of us”. While that may be true, there’s also a good chance that it isn’t. Some people do have amazing lives, some people are not hiding this terrible secret, and whether you like it or not, some people really are happy. Draw inspiration from the people that have what you want, or just leave them alone. There is enough abundance in the world for everyone to have their piece of gold.

    Stop hating, and start doing.

    2. You have limiting beliefs

    Limiting beliefs have the power to keep you stagnant.

    Much of the world we see is coloured by the lenses we wear. Your inner thoughts, and the beliefs you hold about yourself are the reason why you won’t apply for that job. Or wear that outfit. Start that degree. You don’t think you’re good enough, smart enough, you don’t want to stand out because you think you’re ugly.

    Work out what your limiting beliefs are and question them. Is it true? Are you really stupid? Or does that belief give you a justification to not push yourself and elevate your life. Does hiding behind “being ugly” excuse you from not doing your hair and making sure it’s clean and presentable?

    The human brain is wired to like repetition and the more you feed into these negative and limiting beliefs the bigger they grow. Starve those thoughts. Notice them and wait for them to pass. Not everything needs your attention. Just because you think something doesn’t make it true.

    You should note; the chances of any individual being born is 1 in 400 trillion.

    1 in 400 trillion

    So stop believing that nothing is possible and understand that the chances of you being born, are 1 in 4 trillion. You exist against those odds. It’s safe to say that anything is possible. Lighten up and train your mind to see opportunity and solutions, not just limitations and challenges.

    A crack head can go to any city, in the country, in the world and still find the drug they need. No money? Language barrier? No teeth? No problem! They will find a way to get what they need.

    Have the tenacity of an addict and see what you can do with your life.

    3. You do not nurture yourself or your environment

    How you present yourself to the world tells people how to treat you. It’s a method of expressing yourself without saying anything. Neglecting to present yourself well tells the world that you don’t care very much for yourself. Most of us will experience times in our lives when spending time on our appearance is not top priority, however, this shouldn’t be your standard.

    You may have even convinced yourself that you don’t care how you look. I call b*llsh*t on that.

    Engaging in self care not only benefits your outer appearance, but it nurtures your soul. It acts as a reminder that you matter, too. You are more than just your responsibilities, and rest and replenishment are crucial elements of a full and happy life.

    Same goes for your environment. A messy, cluttered space adds to feelings of overwhelm and low mood. It takes up space mentally as well as physically. Every living thing needs suitable conditions to grow and flourish and your dirty house is hindering your growth and stifling your energy. People care for what they consider valuable. You maintain your car because you rely on it for transportation. You care for your children because you love them and they depend on you. You care for your pet because you value and are responsible for them. All of those acts, done consistently. So stop making excuses for yourself and nurture your appearance. Clean and healthy is always going to be attractive.

    Do not wait for motivation, or a sudden willingness to begin grooming yourself and your environment. Consistency and discipline will always trump motivation. Don’t think too much about it, just commit to doing it, everyday. Discipline and keeping your word to yourself is a form of self care and self respect. Take care of yourself, period.

    4. You think too much about yourself

    You are often told in moments when you feel low about yourself and your life to “write down 10 things you love about yourself!” or, “look in the mirror and tell yourself that you love yourself!”

    I beg to differ.

    There are no benefits to rumination and over thinking. None. When you hate your life, and or yourself, thinking about yourself and your flaws constantly will only add to your anxiety and low mood.

    There are 2 ways to look at stress: first, there’s the stress that comes with urgency, such as rushing to catch a flight, for example. That stress makes sense, its worth stressing over. For no other reason other than if you rush, plan and move quickly enough, you may catch your flight. The adrenaline and constant thinking about your flight can result in you reaching a solution. Your energy is rewarded. Second, is the stress that comes from constantly worrying. If you focus on anything for long enough you will start to find flaws. Constantly thinking about your problems rarely yeild success. Things like replaying an encounter with a stranger at a party over, and over, trying to work out why you said that stupid joke. Worrying whether that report that you sibmitted to your boss was good enough. Did i embarrass myself in front of my neighbour the other day? Do I look fat?

    All of these thoughts and scenarios will change nothing. Nothing at all. Just wasted hours of life. You need to ask yourself, “Is this train of thought getting me anywhere?” Will replaying that scenario in your head change anything? Are you going to do anything with this thought? If the answer is no, then just stop thinking about it. If the answer is yes, then do whatever it is that you need. Want to get in shape? Eat less, move more. The rest is out of your hands.The devil makes use of idle hands. And you probably have too much time on yours.

    Continuous inward looking can leave you neurotic and drained. Constantly thinking and stewing about yourself leaves little energy for pleasure and light-heartedness. It’s energy lost to a never ending abyss. Instead, i suggest giving your focus to tasks and activities that are life-giving. Hobbies that connect that the mind-body-soul. Naturally, this will look different for everyone but once you discover what allows your mind to completely lose itself in an enjoyable task, do that.

    You also need to be true to yourself. Finding pleasure in hobbies cannot and should not be performative. Your hobbies should bring you joy. Adult life and the day-to-day responsibilities that summise much of adult life can suck the fun and childlike euphoria that you used to so freely experience in childhood. You need to put it back in. Make hobby time a part of your life as much as reasonably possible. A life without expression is extremely dull and will effect the energy you put out to the world. Commit to your hobbies whether you’re happy or sad and see how much you can shift that negative energy you carry around.

  • Growth Unlocked!

    Well Hello! Welcome to the blog…or back to the blog if you read my other post.

    So…growth unlocked. I’ve seen this topic floating around online and i want to contribute to the commentary. This is going to be a slightly long one…

    So let’s dive in.

    The first thought that comes to mind when I think of the term ‘growth unlocked’ is: “Get up at 5 am”. Or “here comes the ‘workout 3x a week”. Or even “you need to cut out the toxic people in your life!”

    We know good and damn well that if exercising, getting up early and grabbing the scissors to problematic relationships were enough to make us grow as a person, then it wouldn’t be the hot topic that it is. We wouldn’t keep searching and scrolling Pinterest or YouTube trying to find yet more motivation to change.

    I’m going to take a different approach.

    What if I were to tell you that YOU are the toxic person that someone needs to cut out of their life?

    What if I said that waking up at 5am will change nothing in your life because by 3pm, you will be crossing someones boundaries in a pursuit to get your own way.

    What if I said working out 3x a week will change nothing if you continue to binge eat in secret? What then?

    See, a lot of these self-help tips have a way of diverting the weight of growth, diverting the weight of change onto a tick-the-box action. I need someone to explain to me how waking up at 5am will help with someone in debt? If they wake up and STILL do not seek employment?!

    YOU are YOUR problem!

    What I’ve learned about growth is that it requires a lot, and I mean LOT of introspection. You need to get curious about yourself. Self reflection and curiosity are going to be key in a growth journey that actually generates results. Have you ever thought – truly thought- about why you’re always late to work? Or jealous of others? Have you ever wondered why you lie so much? Why you can succeed in the workplace yet struggle to maintain personal relationships?

    If you dare to wonder, the answer might surprise you.

    The task here is to get curious about the things you want to improve on, and take an objective view of them. Taking an objective view invites you to get curious about your flaws, rather than being harsh and self-critical. I do warn you: it’s highly likely that your curiosity will lead you to disappointing findings. In fact, it’s guaranteed.

    And that’s okay. It’s okay to feel a little deflated after looking inside yourself. It’s hard to accept that you are not perfect, or worse still: that you are majorly flawed. Yikes!

    I feel you. I see you. I really do.

    And I encourage you to not beat yourself up about it. Waste of time and energy. So what? You’re a little bit shit…

    Join the club.

    So what now?, You ask?

    Well…i say accept it. You can’t improve on anything if you can’t accept that there is room for improvement. Isn’t there a saying: the first step to beating your addiction is to accept that you are an addict? Something like that. YOU, and you alone, carry the burden of growth. You are YOUR own problem…

    But there is hope: YOU are also the solution.

    See, a lot of us have unfortunately grown up in highly critical environments. Environments that showed us that accountability meant weakness. Maybe your caregivers were highly critical of you, or themselves even. Maybe you have taken on habits and behaviours for no other reason but that’s what you were exposed to.

    I wholeheartedly understand the shame and pain that can bring.

    But somewhere in all of that…there is agency. The fact that you are reading this, even thinking about growth should give you courage. You have agency. You are no longer going to allow, mistakes, shame or regrets to stop you from progressing in your life. Do not allow shame to keep you stuck.

    Now is the time to put in the effort. Effort with direction. Identify exactly what it is within yourself that you would like to grow. Because our progress is determined by our destination, and our proximity to that destination.

    I’m going to use myself as an example: There was a time in my life when I didn’t have a lot of friends. There were people that I spoke to here and there, but I certainly was not making any meaningful attempts to engage or show much interest in pursuing a friendship. And guess what, those people moved on! They disappeared. Should I have thought, “well they clearly never wanted to be friends anyway, forget them”

    NO! No…

    The truth was that I desperately wanted to make friends. That was the destination. So much so that I would overthink everything and end up saying nothing. Meaning that outwardly, I was hard to get to know! And more poignantly, I was the problem!

    Did that mean that I was this awful person? No! But it did mean that I needed to change my unproductive and self-centred approach to friendships. Simple as that. We are not always the victim and it serves no-one -least of all yourself- to see yourself so. Oftentimes we have a hand in our own suffering. But the ability to grow and move towards our goal is the solution- make no mistake about that. Identifying the problem and taking positive steps towards improvement is where growth happens. What did that look like for me?

    I started reaching out more, made connections with new people. Put myself out there – even if i felt silly.

    That effort overtime resulted in new and renewed friendships.

    This is one relatively minor example. But hopefully, it is an example of being able to stare our flaws in the face and be bold enough to take positive action. To redirect, change course. Because ultimately, growth is going to be uncomfortable. I’m not sure it’s supposed to be. It’s not always going to feel good. But that doesn’t mean that it isn’t necessary.

    When something gnaws at your spirit like a dog with a bone oftentimes the best thing to do is take action towards your desired outcome. Remember that destination I was telling you about?

    Aligning yourself with who or what you what to be isn’t found in stillness or waiting around. It’s found by moving forward in the right direction. It should also be noted, that growth is not linear. You will regress at times, sure. But you can also get back up and continue to grow.

    Change, growth and the ability to pivot when necessary is what has carried humanity from the beginning to this very day. Humans are living beings; we were made to grow. The species that were unable to adapt to change died out. Gone. And what you are wanting to grow within yourself is your birthright. Take comfort in that.

    Now, I can’t discuss growth without discussing boundaries. This might seem slightly odd when discussing growth because growth implies freedom and flexibility, right? Well yes and no. Boundaries are crucial to your growth because boundaries exist as protective measures.

    Growth and personal development require you to determine your temptations and triggers. Does hanging around with certain people tempt you to use drugs? Does discussing certain topics with your family trigger you into being argumentative and neurotic? A depressed mess for days? Does scrolling through Instagram models accounts make you spend money you don’t have? Having distractions or temptations does not make you weak or nullify your desire to grow. Rather, they serve as signposts that a boundary is needed.

    If you can’t completely cut out those toxic friends – maybe you work with them or whatever – start placing distance. Tell them you won’t be going for that smoke break at lunchtime with them. Mute or unfollow those accounts. Tell your family “you know what, I don’t feel like getting into all that today. Let’s talk about something else”. I know at times it seems like you can’t set boundaries with people who are in your life; but you can.

    Adults inform, children explain.

    No is a full sentence.

    Having boundaries does not make you a bitch, excuse my Mandarin, it makes you human. Boundaries enable you to protect relationships with the people in your life. Boundaries enable you to protect yourself. They are your right. People don’t need to agree with them, or like them for you to have them. Start protecting your space…TODAY.

    Well folks, that’s all I have time for today. There is so much i could say on the topic of growth, and will definitely do a part 2 at some point. This blog is not fanciful. But it is real.

    For now I just want to leave you with this: sometimes our past selves leave scars or a trail of evidence. But that’s life. That’s growth…

    Part 2 coming soon…