The Elusive Housewife

Musings, reflections and lessons from a Housewife

Author: The Elusive Housewife

  • How to *actually* get over anything and everything.

    When someone tells me to get over something, I don’t often know exactly what they’re getting at. Like, what does that even mean?

    That’s what this blog post is gong to unpack…

    When we hear ‘get over it’, it’s often in response to something that has agitated, upset or inconvenienced us in some way. So, let’s say you’re out for the day. Dressed to kill. And someone spills coffee over your outfit. Not much, but enough to make a noticeable stain. You fuss and fuss over the stain and yet it doesn’t budge. Your mood shifts and you are now annoyed. Your friend looks over to you and says “Don’t worry about it, you look fine. Just get over it!”

    And now you’re raging. Get over it? My outfit is ruined! I look ridiculous”

    This is a pretty standard response to such an annoyance.

    But here’s the thing: what if I told you that you are annoyed because you feel the dirty outfit makes you look unpresentable.

    Not that you now *are* unpresentable.

    And being unpresentable has stopped you being or doing…what? Something i guess? I don’t know…

    In truth, it isn’t clothes alone that makes one presentable. Its also how you carry yourself. The way you smell, stand and interact with the world.

    That’s what makes one presentable.

    So you ask: how do I actually get over it?

    You carry yourself as if that stain does not exist. You take your pictures, you stand tall and proud. You act as presentable as you are. Because one moment in time does not define very much at all. Neither does a coffee stain on an otherwise well presented person.

    Being unable to get over something is often because we subconsciencely try to gain control over the situation by thinking about it over and over, thereby impacting our mood and our ability to “move on”. Thinking about NOT thinking about something almost means that now you CANT stop thinking about it.

    You have to let go.

    Let go of trying to control it.

    You can’t control the spilt coffee, or the stained outfit. So you carry on anyway.

    You can’t stop that group of friends or colleagues leaving you out. You can’t stop that boyfriend ending the relationship.

    But you can still go on a hike, or bike ride or watch that sunset. You can still put on your makeup and go for a coffee.

    You can still travel the world. Even without him. You can change jobs.

    Getting over something isn’t seeking revenge or trying to gain the approval of those that hurt you through your success. That’s bondage – but i digress.

    Getting over something means to not allow it to control your actions or your thoughts even.

    You don’t tell yourself to not think about it. You give yourself something else to think about.

    You don’t stop being you.

    Whether you’re invited or not, you go and enjoy yourself doing something else. Whether they text you back or not, you go to the gym regardless, because that’s what you were always going to do. You don’t stop for minor inconveniences.

    You are you regardless.

    You have other things to think about. Not in spite of them, or that – but because you had things to do anyway. Things to think about anyway.

    And you think about it. And you do it. And you find that thing you needed to ‘get over’ is, indeed, over.

  • Why having audacity is essential.

    In life you need to have audacity.

    You need to have the audacity to believe your dreams, goals, are in reach.

    Because honestly, what business does some average looking, talentless white boy have auditioning to be in on Love Island?

    How did that ugly, woman with bad teeth get a husband and live in marital bliss for over 30 years?

    How is this mediocore artist selling so much of his work?

    AUDACITY.

    You must look your situation in the face, take a good look at your surroundings: and without seeing any supporting evidence – any at all – but the vision in your own head and still believe that you can and you will have that thing you want.

    I mean, why not?

    The future hasn’t happened yet. Which means you can use the present moment, this moment, to take a step towards the future you want.

    Self respect, self worth, and dreaming are not things that one must earn. They are basic, fundamental and foundational aspects of living a fulfilled life.

    Instagram, TikTok and the like will have you thinking only beautiful women get married, only rich men have confidence. Only really talented people become successful. Only white people get to be gay….

    All lies.

    You have to be bold enough to believe. Be crazy enough to do. Because that’s what the people who are living the life you want are doing.

    THEY HAVE THE AUDACITY TO THINK THEY CAN DO WHAT THEY’RE DOING. SO THEY DO.

    A business doesn’t become a success overnight. But the business owner must have the audacity to continue working even though her books suggest she should probably close up. She must be delusional enough to apply herself day after day even though she’s in the red…

    Until one day she isn’t…

    The happily married ugly woman is so because when her husband (or wife) pursued her she had the AUDACITY to believe they were serious about dating her in the first place. If she had believed the evidence laid out in the mirror, no….she would not have found love…

    But the audacity...

    The audacity...

    The audacity to have no shame in being your true self: to feel joy without judgement, to express yourself without inhibitions.

    You’re not embarrassed. Embarrassed in front of whom?

    People that are embarrassing themselves? People who will look in the mirror and lie…even when no-one else is in the room? Seriously?

    Most people’s entire world is built upon the expectations, desires and approval of others.

    And on the topic of embarrassment: why do you give it so much power? Emotions are temporary; meant to be felt and moved through. They are not meant to be a life sentence. There is no single emotion or sensation that exists forever. Not happiness, not sadness and no, not even embarrassment.

    Have the audacity to try, to start – even if that means you mess up. Failure is only final if you do not and will not learn from your mistakes.

    Have the courage to try again. This time, you are equipped with the invaluable wisdom of real lived experience.

    Your past experiences will demonstrate your ability to overcome what has hurt you. The things that once kept you up at night, don’t even cross your mind anymore.

    Yet you have the audacity, the audacity to live in self-doubt?

    Some of the things i experienced – at times on a daily basis – are the main story-line in your favourite true-crime series. The lived experience of the most wretched, dark and truly evil segment of the news.

    But i have – and thankfully always had – the audacity to believe that I am meant for more. Some of my past experiences suggest I should be some kind of psycho, out causing hurt and harm to the world because such was inflicted on me.

    But no.

    No.

    I bare faced set aside the ugly facts of my past and live with the audacious belief that I am beautiful and very, very worthy of the authentic life I messily, and most beautifully create. Day in, day out.

    Living out your dreams will kill your fears. Growing and learning from your mistakes and past wounds will kill your ego.

    So have the audacity to dream. To grow and to learn.

    Just like that “ugly” woman who is in-love and happily married – have the audacity to get the love you deserve despite society telling you that you can’t.

    Have the audacity to be openly queer because your sexual orientation, or gender expression does not have to be digestible for anyone.

    Have the audacity to believe that things will work out in the end. You don’t have to believe that you will always be happy and get what you want – in fact i can almost garuntee that you won’t always be happy and get what you want- but you must have the audacity to believe that whatever is thrown at you will strengthen and grow you.

    The weight of other people’s opinion is genuinely a fabrication of the mind. The world is so big. So. So. Big. What the people in your workplace, or your town or village think of you or your achievements has no value in some distant corner of the earth. And in all honesty, people aren’t even thinking about you, at least nowhere near as much as you think about yourself.

    Having audacity is really just having an unwavering – and yes, sometimes unjustified – level of trust in yourself. Trust that whatever should arise that challenges you, will be overcome as all the past challenges have been.

    ****if you have got to the end of this blog post, i thank you and ask that you share this post with anyone who you feel would benefit from reading these words. Share on your social media if you like, help this reach just one person who needs to read this. Thank you endlessly for reading****

  • 5 things I do for fun

    Daily writing prompt
    List five things you do for fun.
    View all responses
    1. Getting glam. I love looking good. I truly love it; having a “everything” shower, skincare, makeup, hair and nails. Have to smell nice too. There’s something about getting ready everyday, putting on makeup and beautifying oneself that is sooo fun. For me its very much living art, however conceited and self interested that sounds. I accept its the rent women have to pay on this earth…game, set and matched. And that’s on self confidence.
    2. Going for walks. Going for walks is religious at this point. It makes me feel so good. There’s something about nature that is so humbling and grounding. Just peaceful. Demands nothing. Exists without my input. God.
    3. Listening to music; reminds me of who i am at my core. Silly, slightly melancholic, girly, random. Lets your soul speak.
    4. Colouring: silly, yes. Fun, also yes. It is what it is.
    5. Learning. Yeah, I’m nosey. I love to learn about how people around the world live. Not to approve or disapprove but to witness as much of the human experience as possible. I genuinely love speaking to old people for this reason. Some knowledge cannot be packaged and sold by a prestigious university. Some knowledge is simple passed down. From one fat auntie to a young girl coming-of-age.

  • When are you most happy?

    I’m most happy when outside, in the middle of nowhere. Nothing and no-one but my own thoughts.

    Of course this includes my husband and my dogs…and of course my children.

    For me, happiness is stillness. It’s beauty. It’s nature. It’s connection. It’s making love to my husband. It’s feeling my kids breath slow down whilst i snuggle them. It’s writing blog posts and feeling the comfort that comes with even a single view on a post.

    Happiness is creation. Happiness is rest and good food. Good music and a banging outfit. Happiness is a good makeup day and fresh nails.

    Happiness is the ability to delight in things with the same enthusiasm as a child and not feel embarrassed.

    Happiness is the company of those who relax your nervous system.

    Happiness is love without limits, connection without fear, and safety without compromise.

  • Is my life the way i pictured it a year ago?

    Absolutely not, ha.

    A year ago i had my third and final baby…(i think?). So now I’m a mother of 3, a housewife and steward of our 6 bedroom house, our life and pretty much the threads of our lives.

    I chose all of this by the way, none of it was by happenstance. I always wanted to be a stay-at-home-mum. i always wanted a husband and dogs and all the security that comes with it. Before i began staying home, i thought i wanted to be a teacher.

    Yeah, I hated that. So I followed my lifelong dream of being a housewife. That was 6 and a bit years ago…

    I thought a year after completing our family i would be walking through the meadows- literally and figuratively- frolicking, and relishing the confidence that accompanies experience. Especially since I’m aware of just how much skill is required to be a good mum. And its something I’m proud of.

    But the reality is…

    My life is very different than how i imagined it.

    I’m feeling disenchanted with motherhood right now. That might be because my kids are admittedly at an incredibly difficult stage. The toddler stage is not for the faint hearted, never mind having 2 of them. And another child who gets kicks out of asking the most random of questions.

    So i know this stage is hardly supposed to be likeable.

    But after years of sifting through my traumas and coming to peace (relatively) with the past, i find myself on yet another self discovery journey…

    Hello neurodiversity!

    And honestly, it makes me sick. I cant take anymore counselling, i can’t take anymore self reflection. I’ve had enough.

    Somehow i’ve allowed my fears and traumas to dictate much of my decisions in life.

    And i no longer want to do that.

    I no longer want to need to safe. We all need safety, but i’m sick of really needing it.

    I want to use my skills, passions and talents to improve the lives of others. I want to connect with people. With myself. I want to have more control over my future.

    Of course i love my kids. But i want my kids to see me fulfilled. Not a martyr. I want them to see me gain confidence in my own ability to provide for myself, and them. To see me contribute financially because i have skills that i profit from.

    I don’t want them to be scared. Not like I’ve been.

    It’s a blessing to have married a committed family man, who enjoys providing for his family.

    But i don’t want to be a housewife because I’m scared to take on the world.

    I’m crazy asf, and i think most things I want for myself are achievable.

    So no, my life doesn’t look how i thought.

    I thought i reached my peak, my purpose.

    But now I know that life continues. And after we reach our goals we set new ones. And thats okay. Life isn’t about arrival or destination.

    We’re always arriving, becoming and evolving.

    I don’t want to be scared of not being scared.

    Whatever it is, I’m going to fucking do it…

  • Being yourself is the only thing that really works

    Look, I’ve tried for most of my life to fit in. I spent nearly all of that time unaware that i was trying to fit in.

    I’ve learned that fitting in doesn’t work. Not for me, and not for you.

    Why?

    Because in the pursuit of social acceptance you abandon yourself. You cancel any possibilities for genuine connection.

    Fitting in comes at the cost of independent thinking.

    You may think that morphing into those around you will provide safety and security, but that couldn’t be further from the truth.

    Because no-one can perform forever. And one day the mask will slip, you’ll forget your lines and the security you found in masking your true self to fit in with the majority disappears at the drop of a hat.

    You’ve outed yourself as “not like the rest of them”.

    You’re now excluded, mocked and gossiped about. Lonelier than ever.

    But what if i told you that you never had anything or anyone anyway? Because what you had whilst trying to be anyone and everyone but yourself was never truly yours. Never what you truly desired. Because you had spent so long denying that voice. That inner knowing that you do not align with something, somewhere, or someone.

    You created that prison.

    Being yourself, quirks, traumas, weird or boring interests and all, is the only way out. The only way to truly connect with people, places and life in general.

    Because the people, places and experiences will that are life-giving and beautiful are indeed waiting for you.

    Stop trying to fit in if you were made to stand out.

    Nobody is going to thank you on your death bed for thinking like them. Or for not chasing your dreams. Or creating the life that you want for yourself.

    Don’t give your life away. Live it. Fully.

    EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

  • 4 REASONS YOU HATE YOUR LIFE

    At some point in life where you realise, “I hate my life!” Well if you’ve had this moment in recent times, or felt like this for a long time then you are in the right place!

    Let’s dive in…

    1. You’re a hater

    A hater leads with their dislike of things. You focus on what you don’t like. You’re the type of person who sees the ugly, before the beautiful. Generous with harsh commentary, yet frugal with compliments. Maybe you’re an online troll? The type of person who comments on another girls photo, and just haaaaasss to say “but her lipstick looks cheap”, “I hate the colour of her laces, they should have been black”. Someone posts a picture of the progress of their garden; ” I can’t believe they posted that without moving the bins out of the way”. Your friend starts a business, “I can’t believe you do all that and you only have 3 customers. If it were me, i would just quit!”

    If you do or say things of this nature then YOU ARE A HATER! Failing to see the beauty in everyday life can be a symptom of depression, yes. But it is also a reflection of your heart posture. You are giving your focus to what is lacking, rather than what is plentiful. While other people are busy creating the life they want to live, you are sitting on the sidelines passing judgements and unnecessary commentary.

    Hating

    The solution is to turn your attention to what YOU want out of life and take steps to CREATE that life. Do you want a life dictated by happenstance or a life curated by you, for you. You are consuming too much and creating very little. Too much news, social media, television and information. And in the end, your over-consumption leads to energy depletion. You’re using all your energy processing alllll this information, and commenting sh*t on alllll the posts and harbouring alllll this resentment…leaving you little time for your own life. Its time to get a grip.

    If you seeing someone doing well and you have to tell yourself, “She only posts the good parts of her life, i bet she’s dealing with some awful stuff like the rest of us”. While that may be true, there’s also a good chance that it isn’t. Some people do have amazing lives, some people are not hiding this terrible secret, and whether you like it or not, some people really are happy. Draw inspiration from the people that have what you want, or just leave them alone. There is enough abundance in the world for everyone to have their piece of gold.

    Stop hating, and start doing.

    2. You have limiting beliefs

    Limiting beliefs have the power to keep you stagnant.

    Much of the world we see is coloured by the lenses we wear. Your inner thoughts, and the beliefs you hold about yourself are the reason why you won’t apply for that job. Or wear that outfit. Start that degree. You don’t think you’re good enough, smart enough, you don’t want to stand out because you think you’re ugly.

    Work out what your limiting beliefs are and question them. Is it true? Are you really stupid? Or does that belief give you a justification to not push yourself and elevate your life. Does hiding behind “being ugly” excuse you from not doing your hair and making sure it’s clean and presentable?

    The human brain is wired to like repetition and the more you feed into these negative and limiting beliefs the bigger they grow. Starve those thoughts. Notice them and wait for them to pass. Not everything needs your attention. Just because you think something doesn’t make it true.

    You should note; the chances of any individual being born is 1 in 400 trillion.

    1 in 400 trillion

    So stop believing that nothing is possible and understand that the chances of you being born, are 1 in 4 trillion. You exist against those odds. It’s safe to say that anything is possible. Lighten up and train your mind to see opportunity and solutions, not just limitations and challenges.

    A crack head can go to any city, in the country, in the world and still find the drug they need. No money? Language barrier? No teeth? No problem! They will find a way to get what they need.

    Have the tenacity of an addict and see what you can do with your life.

    3. You do not nurture yourself or your environment

    How you present yourself to the world tells people how to treat you. It’s a method of expressing yourself without saying anything. Neglecting to present yourself well tells the world that you don’t care very much for yourself. Most of us will experience times in our lives when spending time on our appearance is not top priority, however, this shouldn’t be your standard.

    You may have even convinced yourself that you don’t care how you look. I call b*llsh*t on that.

    Engaging in self care not only benefits your outer appearance, but it nurtures your soul. It acts as a reminder that you matter, too. You are more than just your responsibilities, and rest and replenishment are crucial elements of a full and happy life.

    Same goes for your environment. A messy, cluttered space adds to feelings of overwhelm and low mood. It takes up space mentally as well as physically. Every living thing needs suitable conditions to grow and flourish and your dirty house is hindering your growth and stifling your energy. People care for what they consider valuable. You maintain your car because you rely on it for transportation. You care for your children because you love them and they depend on you. You care for your pet because you value and are responsible for them. All of those acts, done consistently. So stop making excuses for yourself and nurture your appearance. Clean and healthy is always going to be attractive.

    Do not wait for motivation, or a sudden willingness to begin grooming yourself and your environment. Consistency and discipline will always trump motivation. Don’t think too much about it, just commit to doing it, everyday. Discipline and keeping your word to yourself is a form of self care and self respect. Take care of yourself, period.

    4. You think too much about yourself

    You are often told in moments when you feel low about yourself and your life to “write down 10 things you love about yourself!” or, “look in the mirror and tell yourself that you love yourself!”

    I beg to differ.

    There are no benefits to rumination and over thinking. None. When you hate your life, and or yourself, thinking about yourself and your flaws constantly will only add to your anxiety and low mood.

    There are 2 ways to look at stress: first, there’s the stress that comes with urgency, such as rushing to catch a flight, for example. That stress makes sense, its worth stressing over. For no other reason other than if you rush, plan and move quickly enough, you may catch your flight. The adrenaline and constant thinking about your flight can result in you reaching a solution. Your energy is rewarded. Second, is the stress that comes from constantly worrying. If you focus on anything for long enough you will start to find flaws. Constantly thinking about your problems rarely yeild success. Things like replaying an encounter with a stranger at a party over, and over, trying to work out why you said that stupid joke. Worrying whether that report that you sibmitted to your boss was good enough. Did i embarrass myself in front of my neighbour the other day? Do I look fat?

    All of these thoughts and scenarios will change nothing. Nothing at all. Just wasted hours of life. You need to ask yourself, “Is this train of thought getting me anywhere?” Will replaying that scenario in your head change anything? Are you going to do anything with this thought? If the answer is no, then just stop thinking about it. If the answer is yes, then do whatever it is that you need. Want to get in shape? Eat less, move more. The rest is out of your hands.The devil makes use of idle hands. And you probably have too much time on yours.

    Continuous inward looking can leave you neurotic and drained. Constantly thinking and stewing about yourself leaves little energy for pleasure and light-heartedness. It’s energy lost to a never ending abyss. Instead, i suggest giving your focus to tasks and activities that are life-giving. Hobbies that connect that the mind-body-soul. Naturally, this will look different for everyone but once you discover what allows your mind to completely lose itself in an enjoyable task, do that.

    You also need to be true to yourself. Finding pleasure in hobbies cannot and should not be performative. Your hobbies should bring you joy. Adult life and the day-to-day responsibilities that summise much of adult life can suck the fun and childlike euphoria that you used to so freely experience in childhood. You need to put it back in. Make hobby time a part of your life as much as reasonably possible. A life without expression is extremely dull and will effect the energy you put out to the world. Commit to your hobbies whether you’re happy or sad and see how much you can shift that negative energy you carry around.

  • Growth Unlocked!

    Well Hello! Welcome to the blog…or back to the blog if you read my other post.

    So…growth unlocked. I’ve seen this topic floating around online and i want to contribute to the commentary. This is going to be a slightly long one…

    So let’s dive in.

    The first thought that comes to mind when I think of the term ‘growth unlocked’ is: “Get up at 5 am”. Or “here comes the ‘workout 3x a week”. Or even “you need to cut out the toxic people in your life!”

    We know good and damn well that if exercising, getting up early and grabbing the scissors to problematic relationships were enough to make us grow as a person, then it wouldn’t be the hot topic that it is. We wouldn’t keep searching and scrolling Pinterest or YouTube trying to find yet more motivation to change.

    I’m going to take a different approach.

    What if I were to tell you that YOU are the toxic person that someone needs to cut out of their life?

    What if I said that waking up at 5am will change nothing in your life because by 3pm, you will be crossing someones boundaries in a pursuit to get your own way.

    What if I said working out 3x a week will change nothing if you continue to binge eat in secret? What then?

    See, a lot of these self-help tips have a way of diverting the weight of growth, diverting the weight of change onto a tick-the-box action. I need someone to explain to me how waking up at 5am will help with someone in debt? If they wake up and STILL do not seek employment?!

    YOU are YOUR problem!

    What I’ve learned about growth is that it requires a lot, and I mean LOT of introspection. You need to get curious about yourself. Self reflection and curiosity are going to be key in a growth journey that actually generates results. Have you ever thought – truly thought- about why you’re always late to work? Or jealous of others? Have you ever wondered why you lie so much? Why you can succeed in the workplace yet struggle to maintain personal relationships?

    If you dare to wonder, the answer might surprise you.

    The task here is to get curious about the things you want to improve on, and take an objective view of them. Taking an objective view invites you to get curious about your flaws, rather than being harsh and self-critical. I do warn you: it’s highly likely that your curiosity will lead you to disappointing findings. In fact, it’s guaranteed.

    And that’s okay. It’s okay to feel a little deflated after looking inside yourself. It’s hard to accept that you are not perfect, or worse still: that you are majorly flawed. Yikes!

    I feel you. I see you. I really do.

    And I encourage you to not beat yourself up about it. Waste of time and energy. So what? You’re a little bit shit…

    Join the club.

    So what now?, You ask?

    Well…i say accept it. You can’t improve on anything if you can’t accept that there is room for improvement. Isn’t there a saying: the first step to beating your addiction is to accept that you are an addict? Something like that. YOU, and you alone, carry the burden of growth. You are YOUR own problem…

    But there is hope: YOU are also the solution.

    See, a lot of us have unfortunately grown up in highly critical environments. Environments that showed us that accountability meant weakness. Maybe your caregivers were highly critical of you, or themselves even. Maybe you have taken on habits and behaviours for no other reason but that’s what you were exposed to.

    I wholeheartedly understand the shame and pain that can bring.

    But somewhere in all of that…there is agency. The fact that you are reading this, even thinking about growth should give you courage. You have agency. You are no longer going to allow, mistakes, shame or regrets to stop you from progressing in your life. Do not allow shame to keep you stuck.

    Now is the time to put in the effort. Effort with direction. Identify exactly what it is within yourself that you would like to grow. Because our progress is determined by our destination, and our proximity to that destination.

    I’m going to use myself as an example: There was a time in my life when I didn’t have a lot of friends. There were people that I spoke to here and there, but I certainly was not making any meaningful attempts to engage or show much interest in pursuing a friendship. And guess what, those people moved on! They disappeared. Should I have thought, “well they clearly never wanted to be friends anyway, forget them”

    NO! No…

    The truth was that I desperately wanted to make friends. That was the destination. So much so that I would overthink everything and end up saying nothing. Meaning that outwardly, I was hard to get to know! And more poignantly, I was the problem!

    Did that mean that I was this awful person? No! But it did mean that I needed to change my unproductive and self-centred approach to friendships. Simple as that. We are not always the victim and it serves no-one -least of all yourself- to see yourself so. Oftentimes we have a hand in our own suffering. But the ability to grow and move towards our goal is the solution- make no mistake about that. Identifying the problem and taking positive steps towards improvement is where growth happens. What did that look like for me?

    I started reaching out more, made connections with new people. Put myself out there – even if i felt silly.

    That effort overtime resulted in new and renewed friendships.

    This is one relatively minor example. But hopefully, it is an example of being able to stare our flaws in the face and be bold enough to take positive action. To redirect, change course. Because ultimately, growth is going to be uncomfortable. I’m not sure it’s supposed to be. It’s not always going to feel good. But that doesn’t mean that it isn’t necessary.

    When something gnaws at your spirit like a dog with a bone oftentimes the best thing to do is take action towards your desired outcome. Remember that destination I was telling you about?

    Aligning yourself with who or what you what to be isn’t found in stillness or waiting around. It’s found by moving forward in the right direction. It should also be noted, that growth is not linear. You will regress at times, sure. But you can also get back up and continue to grow.

    Change, growth and the ability to pivot when necessary is what has carried humanity from the beginning to this very day. Humans are living beings; we were made to grow. The species that were unable to adapt to change died out. Gone. And what you are wanting to grow within yourself is your birthright. Take comfort in that.

    Now, I can’t discuss growth without discussing boundaries. This might seem slightly odd when discussing growth because growth implies freedom and flexibility, right? Well yes and no. Boundaries are crucial to your growth because boundaries exist as protective measures.

    Growth and personal development require you to determine your temptations and triggers. Does hanging around with certain people tempt you to use drugs? Does discussing certain topics with your family trigger you into being argumentative and neurotic? A depressed mess for days? Does scrolling through Instagram models accounts make you spend money you don’t have? Having distractions or temptations does not make you weak or nullify your desire to grow. Rather, they serve as signposts that a boundary is needed.

    If you can’t completely cut out those toxic friends – maybe you work with them or whatever – start placing distance. Tell them you won’t be going for that smoke break at lunchtime with them. Mute or unfollow those accounts. Tell your family “you know what, I don’t feel like getting into all that today. Let’s talk about something else”. I know at times it seems like you can’t set boundaries with people who are in your life; but you can.

    Adults inform, children explain.

    No is a full sentence.

    Having boundaries does not make you a bitch, excuse my Mandarin, it makes you human. Boundaries enable you to protect relationships with the people in your life. Boundaries enable you to protect yourself. They are your right. People don’t need to agree with them, or like them for you to have them. Start protecting your space…TODAY.

    Well folks, that’s all I have time for today. There is so much i could say on the topic of growth, and will definitely do a part 2 at some point. This blog is not fanciful. But it is real.

    For now I just want to leave you with this: sometimes our past selves leave scars or a trail of evidence. But that’s life. That’s growth…

    Part 2 coming soon…

  • Who am i?

    Who am i?

    The age-old question, right? Does anybody know? I don’t know…

    I mean, how do you know who you are?

    i mean reallyyyy know.

    And what does it mean to be known? Like, if I don’t know who i am then how can anybody really know who i am? Does that make sense?

    Is my identity just an amalgamation of my genetic make-up, upbringing, random or inherited personality quirks? Social conditioning? Or, am I- we – born with a predetermined identity?Personality traits; each one without our consciousness or election. Revealing themselves in every moment from birth until our last breath?

    Worst still, what if our identity, is so fearfully shaped by our lived experiences? Both conscious and subconscious. Affected by the magic and misgivings of the world as you existed as a tiny egg in your mothers womb. A physiological response to every earth-side interaction, experience, or thought we’ve ever had. Identities cultivated by joy, trauma, exhilaration and everything in between…

    Well, i fear that my entire identity is a result of my trauma.

    Yep.

    A direct response.

    And… I. Do. Not. Like. It. I do NOT like it. In fact, i hate it. Lord knows i hate it.

    It’s like your entire life, all of your achievements, milestones , everything you have become is thanks to your trauma.

    And the thing is, everyone will experience some degree of trauma in their lifetime, right? Like, pain is inevitable. We know it. We understand. Cool.

    So why does my trauma have such a hold over me? Why does my pain affect me so? How has it become so deeply ingrained within me? How has it penetrated every fibre of my being? Altering what once was to a degree akin only to a some awful road traffic accident. People applaud and commend you for your success, beaming about how well you do. Completely unaware that you are bleeding from every crevice. Your heart covered in bandages, the mind dying, shutting down due to the blunt force trauma to the head. Your soul leaves the earth. This is not even your face, or at least not your real face. The world oblivious to how damaged and disfigured you are…

    So you live in a glass jar: you can see everyone. Everyone can see you. Yet they can’t see you. They don’t know you.

    Nobody does…

    Least of all me.