Let’s talk about forgiveness…

I’d like to start by defining forgiveness so that we’re clear on the definition and what i’m about to discuss in this blog.

“Forgiveness is the intentional, voluntary process of releasing feelings of resentment, anger, or vengeance toward someone who has harmed you, regardless of whether they deserve it or not” (Oxford dictionary)

Well, the first of many things that come to mind when thinking of forgiveness based on the above definition is that it’s described as a voluntary process. Interesting.

When we volunteer to do something it is usually because that thing will benefit us in some way.

But i ask you: who does forgiveness truly benefit?

And what does it mean to “let go of feelings of resentment?”

I don’t believe that in order to move on from mistreatment, or betrayal that you are obliged to forgive the person responsible. The bodies natural response to injury is to repair itself, not to reconcile with whatever or whomever causes harm.

And there is such wisdom in that. The focus should be on resolving the harm caused to you, rather than volunteering your efforts to resolve matters with those responsible for causing harm. Even if that resolve doesn’t necessarily involve them, you are still spending energy thinking, pondering and ruminating. We must focus on working through these issues inwardly and perceptively. Releasing anger is a good thing. Emotional regulation is crime prevention, after all. Turn your focus inward and nurse the wounded and vulnerable parts of yourself. The parts of us most in need of a hug and understanding. It’s this inner work that allows you to move beyond the wrongdoing of others with clarity and eventually, peace.

And I’m not saying I’m completely against forgiveness – that’s unreasonable but i do question it’s necessity at times and the often timely manner in which its expected.

Timing is everything. Trying to forgive, or gain the forgiveness of others before you or they are ready is often a trauma response disguised as a sense of urgency. Rarely do we need to forgive someone or gain forgiveness immediately. Urgency should be reserved for occasions where failing to act quickly is truly dangerous, i.e a child walking into the road. Most things can wait a moment or two, honestly. Trying to rush through the process in order to avoid discomfort causes more damage. You will find yourself frustrated that you still can’t “let it go”. Still ruminating, still going round and around. And that’s because it’s not real. You haven’t let go yet. There’s inner work still to be done. The brain and bodies natural healing cannot be rushed or controlled just because it’s uncomfortable. And nor can forgiveness.

When you experience conflict and you feel the need to quickly gain forgiveness, you are trying to control something that is not yours to control, or influence. Trying to do so will only exhaust you and leave you in a heightened state of anxiety. Sometimes it’s best to just let things be. Allow the dust to settle. Gain a little distance. Do the inner work before you turn your attention outward. Find peace with a situation for yourself without feeling the need to prove emotional maturity by performing forgiveness. Allow time and space to heal. Indifference is better than fake forgiveness.

And the next time you find yourself in desperate need to forgive someone, or gain forgiveness from someone else, ask yourself; if it is necessary right this moment, or could you turn your attention inward? Could you heal yourself? Could you find peace with the situation without a sense of urgency?

Know that your body has a natural response to injury…